Couple Therapy: What to Expect

When couples come to see me, typically they are experiencing some obstacle to feeling close to one another. Sometimes they complain that they don’t really talk at a more intimate level, that they fight poorly, that they don’t feel their partner is listening to them, or that they don’t make time for each other. They often recognize that the way they go about trying to get their needs met in the relationship ends up being counter-productive and they end up stuck in a negative spiral where they become progressively more distant from each other. These concerns may be relatively new but often they have been present for years.

Are You Motivated?

So how do I go about trying to be helpful to those who want to be happier in their marriage? The first thing to try to understand is whether you are both willing to work on it. I never met someone in a successful, long-term marriage who said it was easy. Mostly they say it is the hardest thing they’ve done and often the thing they are most proud of. To make couple therapy work both have to be committed to the effort to make things better.

You may be unsure if saving the relationship is in your best interest. If this is the case, I will engage you in a brief process I call “marital commitment counseling” to help you get clearer about your level of investment in working on your relationship. Finding out if there is sufficient commitment to therapy is important to sort out before we get started trying to improve the marriage.

It is also common that one partner is unwilling to come into couple therapy even if they want the relationship to improve. In such instances, “couple therapy without your partner” is an alternative approach.

Amplifying The Positives

In my couple work I keep an eye on what has gone right in the past, and is going right in the present, with your relationship. Often there is a lot of love there even if current interactions keep interfering with it. I want to know what it is that attracted you to each other in the first place and what makes things good between you. Shared values and interests, physical attraction, and appreciation of intelligence and humor often remain even when there is a lot of conflict. In couple therapy it is important to build on the good.

Working Through Resentments About Past Injuries

In some instances, a couple will present with a serious breach of trust in the relationship that has generated a lot of resentment. This is sometimes an affair (sexual or emotional) but resentments can also arise from other unexpected and hurtful behaviors. If this is the case, then one of my first concerns is addressing the hurt and the mistrust that has developed. It is hard to get close to your partner if you are preoccupied with a grievance that has gone unresolved.

Disengage From Downward Spirals

In addition to working through resentments, I will help you identify and free yourself from the downward spirals you’ve gotten into in your relationship. These vicious cycles go something like this: Jane feels hurt by what she experiences as Bob’s lack of attention. She responds to her hurt by making comments that leave Bob feeling criticized. He responds to the criticism by withdrawing, which leaves Jane feeling hurt and not listened to. To which she responds by telling him how upset she is with him. And on it goes. Downward spirals have a way of perpetuating themselves.

Disengaging from downward spirals requires understanding your partner better and learning to not take their reactions to you so personally. You have your own way of being close and intimate, and your way may not be in sync with how your partner goes about it. Freeing yourself from the tyranny of your own perspective and being able to have a sense of where your partner is coming from is an important step in couple therapy.

Effectively Influence Your Partner

Even with greater understanding and acceptance of the differences between you, you will still be left with the upset about not getting your needs met. So another important task in disengaging from downward spirals is learning how to manage your hurt and frustration with your partner. What often happens when people are feeling hurt in a relationship is that they attempt to get the other to change. Unfortunately, trying to change your partner rarely works. A different approach is to work on handling your upset in a way that leaves you feeling calmer and less reactive. One indicator that you have been successful in calming yourself is that there is less defensiveness and withdrawal in your interactions, and when you do get into a bad spot with your partner you are more quickly able to repair the damage to the relationship.

Just because you have become more able to manage your own reactions and those of your partner, doesn’t mean that you should ignore what it is that you are looking for in the relationship. I want to help you go about getting your needs met in a way that is going to be more effective and not just become part of a vicious cycle. This entails learning how to talk about your needs in a way that doesn’t feel blaming and which will engage your partner rather that alienate them. The stance I take is that you are encouraged to let your needs be known and, at the same time, to appreciate that they may not get met in the way you would want. The best you can do is to influence your partner so that they want to be responsive to your needs in the best way they can and my job is to help you do that.

Creating Upward Spirals Of Positive Interactions

One outcome of couple therapy is learning how to have good conversations; i.e. to find a way of talking with each other that feels open, curious, and respectful. As the downward spirals end, there is room for becoming more affectionate with each other. This starts the emergence of more lasting and pleasurable upward spirals; where one partner’s good deed triggers a positive response from the other and sets the stage for more positive responses. Not everyone looks to be loved in the same way, so therapy will clarify how to love your partner the way they enjoy being loved.

Knowing When To Wrap Up

When you have learned how to navigate your conflicts and repair them, worked through differences, let go of resentments and are more consistently happy with the relationship, then couple therapy is over. I often encourage couples to check in with me every couple of months or so after we end in order to make sure that they have been able to keep the momentum going. Even after we stop meeting, I will be available as a resource for the two of you if you need to have a place to talk through a particularly challenging moment in your relationship.